Is It a Condition or Boy-Syndrome?

I'm not sure if it's because my first child was a girl that perhaps I grew a deluded idea of what children were like, but now, 7 years later, I'm still flabbergasted daily by my son and his need for constant reminders. It's to the point that I'm wondering if there's an underlying medical condition going on in which a memory muncher gobbles up the info the moment he says, "Okay, Mom!" and then munch, crunch, swallow the info is quickly disposed of.

We decided on Monday that Ayden, the 7-yr-old in question, does not need to play Wii before school in the mornings, due to the reaction he has when it's time to shut it off. I worry about gaming addiction and I'm pretty sure he's a prime candidate for it. He gets very emotional about his gaming time and could probably play - literally - all day, foregoing food and drink. I have woken up at 5:30 a.m. to him already up and playing, which is concerning considering that he takes after his dad and I generally have to drag him out of bed.

That being said, and getting back to my original topic, the first words out of his mouth on Tuesday were, "Can I play Wii this morning?" His bright blue eyes hopeful until I answered and popped his dreams, his eyes filling instantly with tears. Today he tried a different tactic: "Did you mean that I couldn't play Wii yesterday morning, but that today it's okay?" Uh, no, what I said was, "You are not allowed to play Wii in the mornings before school. Period." Again with the disappointed reaction. He's been warned that he's now at risk now of losing it for an extended period of time...like until next summer.

So that's one example of his forgetfulness, but what really throws me for a loop is the, "Ayden, go wash your breakfast off your face," and off he runs to accomplish this goal. Minutes later I discover that his face is just as dirty as it was before he ran off. "Ayden, why didn't you wash your face?" A quick look of startled remembrance occurs and off he runs again. Really? You forgot in your run to the bathroom the very reason why you were running there? Look, I might end up looking around a room totally lost and confused about why I'm in the room, but I'm 33 with 3 kids, a husband and tons of responsibility...besides this blog isn't about me.

This morning he dressed himself in camouflage pants and a lime green shirt. "Go change into shorts," I said, "you don't match." He came out wearing khaki pants, but since they matched I held my tongue because I'm very aware of how many times I correct the poor kid and I don't want to give him a complex. Yesterday he had to change his socks THREE times - first tall black ones, then tall white ones and then finally ankle socks (you know, the appropriate kind when you're wearing shorts).

This constant forgetfulness happens with putting shoes on, picking up toys, washing hands, brushing teeth, eating breakfast...just about any instructions I give him are at risk of being forgotten the moment it enters his mind. We've even loaded into the car with NO SHOES on him before and his defense is a quick shoulder shrug and a quiet, "I forgot."

This morning all the kids had a dentist appointments so they were late for school. We unloaded at the school and are walking up the sidewalk and my oldest says to Ayden, "Get your backpack!" Sure enough, his sisters each have their backpacks on but he left his in the car. Granted, I didn't tell him to get it, I figured it was kind of obvious that he would need it.

So is this just a "boy thing"? I've endured the ER visits, the extra-watchful eye to ensure he doesn't jump from the highest point of the swing set and the need for speed, but is this forgetfulness a trademark condition of boyhood or is it something I need to pay closer attention to, that perhaps it does mean that something isn't connecting in that mind of his?

Being a mom is the best job I've ever had, though I live with the certainty that I'm not qualified for this task of raising children to become self-sufficient adults. After all, if I can't properly relay to my child that he has chocolate smeared all over his face that he needs to go wash off, how can I think that one day he'll be able to drive a car, use a grill (oh my word, what a terrifying thought!!!) and raise a family of his own?

Love 'em while they'll still let you and thanks for reading!

Sports Mania

It mostly my fault, I get it. I've succumbed to the pressure of sports. It started last year with t-ball/softball and has leaked over into the fall season to encompass football and cheerleading. You know those people who you invite somewhere and their response is always, "Sorry, we have a game," or "Can't do it, we have practice." Well, I've become one of them.

The thing I hate the most about the sports deal are the running, running, running. Poor Shawn left work twice that week and came directly to the practice field. The great news is all three of our kids have the same practice time at the same field. While Ayden's tackling (or trying to dodge being tackled) the girls are learning their cheers.

Aside from the extra-stress of having yet another "thing" added to my list, I believe I have come to pinpoint why I'm relishing in the sports pool. Aside from the obvious of introducing kids to teamwork, skill and exercise, it forces family time. We are out there watching our kids and cheering them on, versus being at home with everybody doing their own thing. As much as I hate to admit it, I need a little forced family time out of the house with my kiddos.

If you are sitting on the sidelines wondering if you can handle the extra job of practices and games, I can tell you that for me it's been totally worth it. I dragged my heels forever, not wanting to become "one of them," because I didn't want sports to rule my life, but now I'm seeing that it doesn't rule it, it helps prioritizes it. I'm not saying that sports are the priority, I'm saying that the family is and that sports can help enhance that.

The Doctor Says So

Dr. Sarda isn't much bigger than my kids. She has bright blue eyes, quick wit and a no-nonsense way about her. I think she comes to my shoulder. Maybe.

Shaylah's asthma has been acting up and I couldn't get her wheezing until control, so I had to go in and get her some steroids on Monday. Me and the three kids packed up and headed to base. I let them pick their toys - the two youngest chose a coloring book and colors, Shaylah opted for her DS.

I didn't even get a chance to complete my paperwork before they called us back. The kids groaned as I pulled them away from SpongeBob and within minutes we were in the patient room with the doctor. Not bad, eh?

Then it started. Vanessa and Ayden sat in two chairs next to each other. Or we supposed to sit. Vanessa began taking her shoes off and jumping up on the table with Shaylah. I would get on her to get back to the chair and put her shoes back on. I told them both to color in their books, but the toys were left abandoned on the floor. I was trying to answer the doctors questions, but soon both Ayden and Vanessa had their shoes off and were jumping in the middle of the room. I told them firmly to go sit back down; ignored once again. Or I shouldn't say ignored, they listen as I watched, but the second my attention drifted back to the doctor, they did what they wanted to do - jumping around, being nosy, giggling, etc.

It infuriates me when my kids don't listen. It's a horrible reflection on my parenting and shows an inability to control my charges. The doctor even commented, "You look like a mom who's in the middle of summer vacation with her kids." I know she didn't say it to be nasty, but it hurt. I want to enjoy my kids, but how in the world do you enjoy disobedient little monkeys?

Then, as our ability to talk and listen got shorter and shorter, she turned to my two youngest and said, "Get your shoes on and sit down now! I can't talk to your mom when she's distracted by you, because then it distracts me. Now sit there quietly and count to 200 in your head. We'll be down soon." My kids immediately obeyed, I mumbled a thanks and we finished our conversation.

The minute we left my face began burning as the humiliation rose up. Did a doctor truly have to get control of my children for me?? Why don't my kids listen to me? I set my jaw and said, "You're both getting spankings when we get home and then I'm telling your dad about what happened and I hope he spanks you again."

We had three other sit-and-wait excursions that followed (pharmacy, lab, barber shop) and my kids were little angels in the waiting rooms, sitting silently in their chairs in hopes that the Fanny Whacker would not be removed from it's place on the wall.

Their silent obedience did not work.

Foggy Instructions

Every once in a while I am hit with the realization that I don't explain enough to my kids. I have a few friends who flourish in step-by-step instructions, but it's not a natural reaction for me and I have to remind myself to do so. For instance, telling my kids to simply "get ready," is usually not enough. I will find them with morning breath, tangled hair and barefooted laying on the floor watching Noggin. Beyond exchanging their pj's for daytime clothes, nothing else has been done.

Twice in the last month, I have found my 8-yr-old daughter dressed for a play-date in a floor length, crushed velvet skirt with a matching long-sleeved shirt. Really? Must I reiterate what a play-date is to her? Apparently so, and not just once, but twice!

I am convinced that my 5-yr-old son changes his underwear multiple times a day. At folding time, I always have an enormous pile of his underwear, in comparison to the rest of the family. So either we aren't changing often enough, or he changes them for breakfast, lunch and maybe even after dinner. I have a laundry basket brimming with Scooby-Doo, Cars, and Transformers underwear sitting in my room at the foot of my bed next to an oscillating fan. This morning as I dried my hair, he came into my bathroom stark naked and complaining that, "I don't have any underwear."

"It's next to the fan," I said, seeing the fan easily from where I stood. I didn't see him grab any, so I hollered again, thinking he must not have heard me. He wandered back minutes later still naked. I pointed to the basket, "See, Ayden, it's next to the fan."

"Oh, that fan. I thought it was the other fan."

I was startled by his response. "The one on the ceiling?"

He nodded, grabbed his drawers and was gone. I stared after him, flabbergasted that my child thought I would direct him to a laundry basket sitting next to a ceiling fan.

Tonight the kids and I we went for a short walk after dinner. About 8 months ago we were notified that one of our closer neighbors was convicted of a sex crime against a minor and, in turn, we warned the children about him. We did our best to explain that he did a bad thing to a child, called molestation, which is when a grown-up touches a child in their private parts. It's such a difficult crime to explain to innocent children, but I've done my best. Or so I thought.

As we walked, Ayden pointed to the house and said, "We can't go there because that man pinches kids in their private parts." I was certain I misunderstood him, but bit back a laugh because what I thought I heard was pretty darn funny. Later, when we passed by again, Ayden repeated it loud and clear. "Yup. He pinches little kids in their private parts."

Honestly, I still think it's really funny that my son's innocent mind processed the abuse in this way. And why wouldn't he? In a child's mind, how else could a grown man possibly hurt a kids' private parts besides pinching them? Still, I know I need to explain further to my son and talk about the "ick" factor.

One story that sticks clearly in my mind is one my mom shared about her friend. When her friend was twelve, she was in a new foster home and her foster mom criticized her for not washing herself properly. She then realized that this poor child had never been shown how to wash her hair and body, nor how to put on deodorant and use proper hygiene. She had to teach this prepubescent child the right way to clean herself, because she had never been shown how to, just told to do it.

From how to get dressed, where to find things, how to wash your body, to serious warnings about molestation, kids need clear explanations in order to learn. I have to constantly remind myself that they are little and are dependent on me to teach them the basics and build from there. As I carried my babies in my womb, never did I consider some of the bizarre teachings I would have to give and I have this sinking suspicion that I haven't even scratched the surface yet. Good luck to all you, Mommy's. We are in this thing together!!

Ungrateful Kids!

On Saturday I drove 30 minutes to base to let the kids play in the wooden fortress and splash pad. Patience sat on my shoulder and clapped joyfully as I watched the time tick ever so slowly by. I tried to enjoy my kids’ laughter as I watched them squeal and run around. They had such a great time and I was able to read tiny snippets of a book I brought in between, “Mom, come push me,” “Mom, watch this!” and wet hugs. We left when they were worn out and I enjoyed the quiet drive home, feeling a bit proud that I drove out to base just for my kids to play at that park, as I usually incorporate longer drives with multiple purposes. After we got home, cleaned up and ate an easy dinner, I remembered that I needed to go to the store. Walking into the store, my oldest daughter snorted and said, “Gee. All we did today was go to the park.”

Rage ripped through me like a dam had busted. I glared at her, unable to form a nice enough sentence to respond to her flippant dismissal of what had cost me gas, time and sweat (Florida is HOT). All I managed to mumble was that she was ungrateful. I mean, really, what do you say when your child is so unappreciative? They don’t know what it feels like to sit and watch someone else play for hours on end as you swelter in the heat and they won’t understand until 20 years have passed and the roles are reversed.

Not to sound self-centered, but what about me? Did my life expire the moment I gave birth? Was it God’s plan for us to become servants of our children, always looking for ways to entertain them and keep them occupied? Are we supposed to plan activity after activity, dare they have to entertain themselves?? No, I don’t believe that was God’s intention at all.

Kids were created with natural curiosity and imagination, but in the days of 24 hour cartoons and oodles of electronic games, it easier to sit down and be entertained by someone else. A great habit to get into is shutting off the television – not even having it on as background noise – and telling your kids to go play. Mine typically moan and groan and try to weasel me into entertaining them, but when they see I’m not budging, they will go find creative things to do all on their own. My goal is to make this the norm and make television a treat, but it’s a tough habit to adopt.

So when kids expect entertainment, perhaps it shouldn’t shock us so much when they don’t appreciate a special form of entertainment or treat (going to the movie, a trip to the ice cream shop, an out of the way park), because to kids, they are used to being entertained. I will tell you what I’ve learned and held onto: kids are going to say hurtful, dismissive things to us because they are solely and 100% selfish. They do think the world revolves around them and they will continue to think that way until they mature. Perhaps that explains the constant, “Mommy, mommy, mommy,” chant while you’re on the phone or the ridiculous pout after they’ve opened 15 birthday presents and discover there’s no more. They’re selfish and so were we once, oh so long ago. If selfish seems like too strong of a term, how about self-absorbed?

Keeping that in perspective (that they are selfish not to be mean, but because of the way their minds work) might soften the blows they dish out. By all means, address the nastiness, but don’t let it penetrate into that ooey, gooey sweet spot you have for your child. Put a filter over it, so to speak. Continue taking your kids out on adventures and doing special things with them, but I would also caution you to not be their sole source of entertainment. Encourage solo play to allow their imagination and creativity to take root and grow.

I plan to take my kids to a local water park today. I am already preparing myself for the inevitable question when we are returning home, “Now what are we going to do?” and I am gearing myself up to not let the question bother me, even though I will be sweaty and surely partially dehydrated.

Enjoy your kids on this sunshiny (miserably hot and humid) day!